There comes a time in every gamer’s existence when he faces a terrible threat to his game time, a threat that is both ancient and powerful.
Yes, this ancient institution has done more to interfere with quality game time than work, school or even illness. Many a gamer has lamented that he “wants to play” but the wife wants him to:
1. Spend time with her.
2. Do household maintenance
3. Visit family
4. Come with her to her “Jane Austen” book club. “You will have so much fun discussing ‘Sense and Sensibility!'”
Should you young, single gamers think you can simply say, “I do not want to go,” think again. Powerful is the woman who shares your bed. If you go without her at least tacit consent, curses will be laid upon you. These may include:
1. The Frozen Shoulder: A cold shoulder is when she is angry. Frozen shoulders are reserved for those times you are one step away from evisceration at her hand.
2. Banishment to the couch. It is said celibacy can lead to enlightenment. You will be Buddha before she forgives you.
3. Mother is invited for dinner…nightly. Nothing like a Hag at the table to aid digestion. Don’t look her in the eye!
I have a solution, the copyrighted “LivingDice Gamer Pre-Nuptial Agreement.” The legalese is so powerful I cannot reprint it here. No one with a soul can view it safely without going mad, so my lawyers have no problem at all.
I will summarize it for you.
Married couples are not physically conjoined. Occasionally, one partner or another must run off and play a game with his (or her) friends that does not involve their spouse.
I understand this fact, please sign below.
(Blood only please! Ink is not legally binding)
All kidding aside, make sure your spouse knows that after the marriage ceremony, you might occasionally do battle with orcs for 16 hours at a time. Also, that every year you might crawl off to a cheap motel for three days to siege an evil castle with 200 of your closest hygiene-impaired friends. Although you may trudge home smelling like the floor of a strip club, assure her it is just from hours of battling demons in small, hot rooms.
For the sake of your gaming group, make sure your spouse reads the “Gaming Pre-Nup” before the wedding. Your gaming group will thank you.
Trask, The Last Tyromancer